I 100% agree that affirmation is not a tactic to "get" something. No behavior should be. I think the request (dare I say demand?) from the Trans community to accept their truth and affirm it has put a lot of pressure on people, most certainly on parents. May there be a third option? Namely, acknowledge someone and hear them and yet state your own position and how you will engage? I would venture to say that knowing my family, there are most definitely long-standing dynamics that show up in how we try to control situations and minimize our discomfort. (Current topic in therapy this week for me!) It would behoove all of us to examine our core desires and where we've been wounded. And there's actually probably a deeper fear than what you've labeled "transphobia." I wonder if underneath it all it's a fear of being misunderstood, for both parties, parent and child. I think the term "transphobia" adds additional pressure on the parents to affirm ("acknowledge to be true," by definion) their child so that they're not seen as the bad person. And I definitely think you're right that the parent needs to process their feelings on their own and not with their child, but they can let their child know they are indeed processing.
Thank you for the opportunity to process even here. I'm not in this unique situation, but still dealing with the separation that comes as my 20-year old son is individuating while still living at home as he waits for his fixer upper home to be ready. Trying to have compassion for both him and myself in our differences.
Framing affirmation as a “demand” from trans people is not only harmful and incorrect, it also puts the burden on the wrong person. Using someone’s correct name/pronouns isn’t a concession being granted - it’s just accuracy and respect.
We are using the word “transphobia” because it is the correct word for fear/discomfort around someones identity, it is not only used in situations of ignorance or hatred, renaming it something like a ‘fear of being misunderstood’ softens it.
We talk about what you’re describing, of acknowledging but also stating your position; there is a real difference between processing your own feelings with a therapist/support group and processing them at your kid. ‘Stating your position’ usually just means treating their identity as up for debate.
I 100% agree that affirmation is not a tactic to "get" something. No behavior should be. I think the request (dare I say demand?) from the Trans community to accept their truth and affirm it has put a lot of pressure on people, most certainly on parents. May there be a third option? Namely, acknowledge someone and hear them and yet state your own position and how you will engage? I would venture to say that knowing my family, there are most definitely long-standing dynamics that show up in how we try to control situations and minimize our discomfort. (Current topic in therapy this week for me!) It would behoove all of us to examine our core desires and where we've been wounded. And there's actually probably a deeper fear than what you've labeled "transphobia." I wonder if underneath it all it's a fear of being misunderstood, for both parties, parent and child. I think the term "transphobia" adds additional pressure on the parents to affirm ("acknowledge to be true," by definion) their child so that they're not seen as the bad person. And I definitely think you're right that the parent needs to process their feelings on their own and not with their child, but they can let their child know they are indeed processing.
Thank you for the opportunity to process even here. I'm not in this unique situation, but still dealing with the separation that comes as my 20-year old son is individuating while still living at home as he waits for his fixer upper home to be ready. Trying to have compassion for both him and myself in our differences.
Thanks for your reflections.
Framing affirmation as a “demand” from trans people is not only harmful and incorrect, it also puts the burden on the wrong person. Using someone’s correct name/pronouns isn’t a concession being granted - it’s just accuracy and respect.
We are using the word “transphobia” because it is the correct word for fear/discomfort around someones identity, it is not only used in situations of ignorance or hatred, renaming it something like a ‘fear of being misunderstood’ softens it.
We talk about what you’re describing, of acknowledging but also stating your position; there is a real difference between processing your own feelings with a therapist/support group and processing them at your kid. ‘Stating your position’ usually just means treating their identity as up for debate.
Appreciate you sitting with it.
- Sam & Elise